Evidently, I have superpowers.
I was unaware of this fact until now, having gone through life believing myself a mere mortal. I can’t fly, and if I did, I would be freaking out due to my intense fear of heights. I thought my invisibility was simply the result of a concerted effort by many to forget I exist. And although I may have given quite a few death stares in my life, to my knowledge, none yet have actually died from my disgruntled glare.
But after years of hearing about my amazing superhuman powers, I have finally come to grips with my immense influence over the world. I thought I was a taxpaying citizen who was being denied some very simple rights, but I am actually a dynamo with the ability to blow up the world, simply by thinking smart girls are hot and wanting to take them out on dates and hold hands and stuff. Who knew?
Here I was feeling like some sort of marginalized person, getting verbally and physically harassed, paying taxes and enjoying fewer rights than my friends who want to go out on dates and hold hands and stuff with people who have different parts down there. But it turns out that I can totally destroy their fun by existing! The other day I was feeling frustrated because I couldn’t get my internet to work properly, when I should have been celebrating my power to affect weather and bring about hurricanes and earthquakes! I thought it was kinda sucky that if I wanted to ask a girl to be Mrs. Shiva, that was a serious ixnay, but it turns out I can bring about the apocalypse were I to accomplish that. Shit, just by NOT breeding, I can destroy the entire human race and our ability to procreate! Man, here I thought I was a 30-something DJ and IT nerd with a lousy income, a cranky car and a cute cat. As it turns out, I embody the power to bring about the downfall of civilization as we know it. That’s a lot of responsibility. Also, I’m feeling underdressed for the occasion.
Thankfully, the Christians are concerned with my immortal soul, Rick Santorum totally loves me, and even Michelle Bachmann has some concerns about how Teh Gay Powerz affect my life. Whew! I was feeling mad drunk on my power for a minute there. Glad there’s someone around to keep me from destroying small cities with my fiery breath.
So forget feeling marginalized! Despair not over petty things like rights and political representation! Just suit up, people! Grab your glittery capes and awesome shoes! The power is in our hands and the apocalypse is going to be fabulous!