It’s time for some real talk, so “set yer ass down and listen up” as they say in my native land.
Assuming you haven’t only recently returned from ten years at sea or launched yourself into a gaping abyss of semi-psychotic denial, you probably have corrosive rage spraying uncontrollably out of all of your orifices right now. Let’s face it; that is the lay of the land. We are all in the same boat. The “white man’s burden” is back in a major way. It is suddenly somehow acceptable to refer to welfare as giving black people other people’s money, to say that working class children need to be taught the value of hard work (the leisuring upper class is supposedly well versed in this), to have a panel of conservative white male religious leaders inform congress on women’s rights issues and to teach loose women a lesson by signing permissible medical rape into law.
Luckily, someone waits for you, ready and eager to absorb the overflow of your anger. Someone is desperate for every little bit of negative attention you’re willing to spare. Who are these godsends, you ask? Why, they’re misogynist trolls of course! Around every corner, they’re just waiting with baited breath to be torn to shreds so you can feel a little better and get back to the business of thinking clearly and making serious attempts to change our situation. Glut yourself on this bounty of dickwads, my sisters! Be the man hating feminist whose existence they’ve always cited, but they have never truly met! Do them the great favor of justifying their pathetic existences; they live only for your anger and it is time to honor their service to the community. Thank you, my asshat internet bretheren. I never realized how much I needed you.
Without further ado, The World’s Most Comprehensive Guide to The Art of Reverse Trolling.
Part I. Bait
Most women won’t have a problem laying a trap for a misogynist ass, but in the event you should draw a blank or the usual mechanisms fail, here are a few sure fire prickmine topics of conversation.
1) Paid maternity leave. Boy do they hate it. They hate hate hate it. However, this has a narrow margin of error in the event that all jagoffs within range have pregnant wives. They are likely to temporarily get too caught up in their own self interest to be consistent in ideological turdness. In such an event, you can take the never, ever fails option:
2) Wages for caring work. The idea that an explicitly breadwinning spouse should share a percentage of wages with an explicitly caretaking spouse is guaranteed to make their heads explode. They will never fail to shit a brick of solid gold with haste. However, this will draw pretty much every moron out from under his respective rock, so you may want to take a softer sell, such as:
3) Sexual Harassment. Most work-a-day dipshits have some variety of ridiculous opinion on this, whether it is that 50 foot tyrant gynocrats force innocent men to be politically correct all the way down to the creepological fallacy, where he asserts how much he would like to be menaced and have his boundaries violated in a behaviorally restrictive environment. On the other hand, you may not want to start the conversation, so you can choose to interject in a running conversation as the opportunity presents itself with:
4) “I would really prefer that you said (blank)person/worker instead of (blank)man” Examples: fireman, postman, policeman, you get the idea. Prepare to be put on blast for being too sensitive, silly, crazy, PC, you know the drill. Censoring a sexist from saying something dumb is one of the worst possible sins for a woman; perhaps only surpassed by getting an education, having a position of authority, occupying a lucrative job and/or failing to sleep with him. If you grow impatient waiting for the opportunity to deploy this maneuver, you can fall back on:
5) “I am offended by that word/Using that word that way is sexist” You never have to wait long to hear someone say one among this list: bitch, ho, trick, pussy (as in weakling), slut, skank, easy, loose, bimbo, tramp, whore, cunt, butter face, gold digger, baby mama, tease/cocktease, chickenhead, hoodrat, broad, squaw (please, please, please destroy them if they go there), floozie, ditz, airhead, cumdumpster, camwhore, girly, frigid, sexless, feminazi, maneater, ballbuster, ballbreaker, ballcrusher, cock softener, dyke, shemale, carpet muncher, rug muncher, man up/be a man/(blank) like a man, shrew, women’s work, a woman’s place, wench, dragon lady, PMSing, needs to get laid, dried up, shriveled up, chubby, fat, bloated, jelly roll, muffin top, F.U.P.A., cottage cheese (to refer to cellulite), lardass, (referring to thinness:) anorexic/bony/flat/boyish/twig/skeleton/waif, jailbait, prostitot, cow, heifer, uggo, fatty, fugly, my old lady, the little woman, ball and chain, hose beast- I’ll stop there, as my knowledge of male stupidity is encyclopedic. And then there is the direct approach:
6) Simply announce that you’re a feminist. They can’t let that stand. Ever.
7) Tell a fake tale of another misogynist that “hurt your feelings.” This is the equivalent to placing a “welcome, trolls” sign on your door. Undoubtedly, you have snagged one at this point, as if you even really had to try, so let’s move into the next phase.
Part II. Game face
1) Do not get emotionally invested. The benefit of going to town on one of these losers is that their sentiments are of no value to you or anyone, so disregard them. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so don’t go there.
2) Amuse yourself. Have as many laughs as you can, as hard as you can, at their expense.
3) You are accustomed to tolerance and compassion. Turn it off. It’s war, baby. Don’t be afraid to take those low blows. Save your class for conversations that matter. Do not absorb any sob stories or refrain from saying something “too mean.”
4) Don’t be too eager. Selective withdrawal or inattention can have a surprisingly sadistic impact on a troll. If they make a remark that they are particularly proud of, try acting like you didn’t read it and respond to something else. Or, if you are no longer amused after a long back-and-forth session, just walk away and never resume the conversation with the knowledge that they will lie in wait at the computer for hours with no satisfaction. The worst thing you can do to a bully is to ignore him, so when you’re done with your toys, just throw them away!
5) Remember that misogynists have a zero-product property which is to say whether you’re trolling 1000 misogynists, a misogynist backed up by his (probably imaginary) girlfriend, misogynist * family, misogynist * WoW buddies, misogynist * pets— whatever they contribute is equally worthless. Don’t be distracted by being greatly outnumbered or having your dummy of choice conscript an ally. It ain’t no thang. Ready? OKGO
Part III. Strategy
1) When in doubt, describe them as babies/very young children, dogs, apes/cavemen, or time travelers (no offense intended to any of these parties). Sample dialogue to follow:
A) statement: Feminists hate men.
example “you’re a baby” responses:
i) “Waaaahhhh, this girl thought I was being a dick! It’s not fair! :..(…..”
ii) Did you get your feelings butthurt, little guy? Do you want me to call your mommy?
iii) I can see by your tantrum that somebody missed his nap today.
B) statement: Why don’t you fix me a sandwich?
example “you’re a dog” responses:
i) No! Stop begging! Get out of the kitchen! Bad! Go to your crate!
ii) Why, are you out of kibble?
iii) Maybe if you were house-trained. I don’t want to clean that up.
C) statement: Male bad behavior is excusable because women never go for nice guys
example “cavemen/ape” responses:
i) Don’t take it personally. Some girls just are just threatened by a guy that beats his chest and has feet that look like hands.
ii) Ungh. Me no can get woman for long time. Me show them that me strong provider, hit many saber tooth tiger with rock!
iii) Seduction takes a softer touch. You probably have too many callouses from dragging your knuckles on the ground all the time.
D) statement: You’re being unreasonable/crazy/oversensitive.
example “blast from the past” responses:
i) Women are so entitled these days. Why I wouldn’t be surprised if they started wearing trousers instead of skirts, or trying to drive their own carriages!
ii) Oh, look at the wild woman talking back to a man. I should probably take the nearest wagon to town and have the apothecary mix me a draught for my hysteria.
iii) I’m guessing they treat this kind of thing with leaches in your house.
2) Patent dismissal. As a critical part of counter trolling, one should always be prepared to diminish the value of the trolls thoughts, feelings or beliefs to complete irrelevance/insignificance.
A) á la mode. You know what to do.
i) U mad? This remark is best used to detonate more caustic, hateful or emotional remarks by ridiculing the speaker’s vulnerability. Further extensions of the same only make him look worse. Repeat to your heart’s content.
ii) tl;dr. Best to deploy after lengthy statements that the speaker seems to be very proud of making. Use very sparingly.
iii) Cool story bro. Good in response to lengthy treatises, idiotic anecdotes, impassioned declarative statements, non-sequitirs. Use very sparingly.
iv) I see what you did there. Best in response to an intended witticism. Use moderately.
v) wat/lolwut/dafuq best used when troll trips heavily over words/grammar/spelling/syntax or simply says something preposterous. Use sparingly.
vi) LOL a general purpose dismissal that it’s hard to wear out. Use as much as you like, but never EVER use it when the troll is trying to be funny. I find it more effective in caps for this particular usage.
vii) NO U best reserved for two extremes: to be aggravatingly glib in response to carefully thought out statements or to counter extreme childishness when nothing else can reach that low of a denominator. Use very sparingly.
B) Express ambivalence
i) Anytime he presents a point of view, a hypothetical situation or an anecdote is a good time to tell him that no one cares. It’s important to use the phrasing no one cares as opposed to I don’t care, because the former emphasizes his insignificance and the latter your feelings. Stick with the former. “So what?” is a good alternative phrasing. It doesn’t matter if you or a lot of people care, say it anyway!
ii) When he parrots brainless misogynist talking points, make sure to tell him how unoriginal and incredibly boring he is. They seriously think they’re clever, believe it or not! Bonus points if you preface that by saying “that may have worked when your father said it to your mother, but…”
C) Drown him out
i) overwhelm him with repeated wall-o-texts.
ii) post enormous imbedded pictures or ascii equivalents
iii) copy some talking point he said, paste it like a zillion times and then explain that you did an impression of the last zillion conversations you had with (expletive)s
3) If he’s still hanging in there, get personal.
A) Use whatever personal information you know against him.
i) Does he have stupid hobbies? Bad taste in music? A lame job? An embarrassing name or handle? Ridicule it!
ii) If you don’t have much from context or otherwise immediately available, try googling him. Even if you don’t have his name, people often use the same handles in multiple places. Depending on the mortification value of what you find, use your discretion about whether it’s worth it to admit your internet stalking and publicly reveal what you found. The alternative is to speak of the information as though you arrived at it by speculation.
B) Leverage standard male vulnerabilities.
i) Insist that he is a virgin that no woman will ever love. Laugh at his denials.
ii) Question his manhood, specifically in regards to size and functionality. This is more effective in conspicuously emphasized innuendo than directly. Example: “You’re a VERY SMALL minded man. I CAN BARELY FEEL IT when you insult me. When you try to make a valid point IT’S LAUGHABLE.” or “Your argument falls limp. I see you trying to make a good one, but you can’t get it up to par.”
iii) If he is over 25, unequivocally insist that he is a creep with a receding hair line. If he is under 25, accuse him of being dressed by his mother and playing keyboard warrior on the Dell she keeps in her basement. If he is exactly 25, leave him alone. Just kidding, you can go either way with a 25 year old.
Part IV. FINISH HIM
At this point you may have gotten him pissed off enough that he is threatening you. Congratulations, you win! Report his remarks to the moderator, admin, service provider or whatever, but VERY IMPORTANTLY make sure to take a screenshot of this report before you send it. Show your troll what you did, show his friends what he did (if applicable) and last but not least, show us!
Now that you’re a professional troll-troll, you can just use the cheat sheet as necessary.